ACT II SCENE III	LEONATO'S orchard.
	Enter BENEDICK
BENEDICK	Boy!
	Enter Boy
Boy	Signior?
BENEDICK	In my chamber-window lies a book: bring it hither
	to me in the orchard.	5
Boy	I am here already, sir.
BENEDICK	I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.
	Exit Boy
	I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
	another man is a fool when he dedicates his
	behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at	10
	such shallow follies in others, become the argument
	of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man
	is Claudio. I have known when there was no music
	with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he
	rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known	15
	when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a
	good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake,
	carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to
	speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man
	and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his	20
	words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many
	strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with
	these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not
	be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but
	I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster	25
	of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman
	is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am
	well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all
	graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in
	my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise,	30
	or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her;
	fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not
	near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good
	discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall
	be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and	35
	Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.
	Withdraws
	Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO
DON PEDRO	Come, shall we hear this music?
CLAUDIO	Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,
	As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!
DON PEDRO	See you where Benedick hath hid himself?	40
CLAUDIO	O, very well, my lord: the music ended,
	We'll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.
	Enter BALTHASAR with Music
DON PEDRO	Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.
BALTHASAR	O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
	To slander music any more than once.	45
DON PEDRO	It is the witness still of excellency
	To put a strange face on his own perfection.
	I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.
BALTHASAR	Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;
	Since many a wooer doth commence his suit	50
	To her he thinks not worthy, yet he wooes,
	Yet will he swear he loves.
DON PEDRO	Now, pray thee, come;
	Or, if thou wilt hold longer argument,
	Do it in notes.	55
BALTHASAR	Note this before my notes;
	There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.
DON PEDRO	Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks;
	Note, notes, forsooth, and nothing.
	Air
BENEDICK	Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it	60
	not strange that sheeps' guts should hale souls out
	of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when
	all's done.
	The Song
BALTHASAR	Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
	Men were deceivers ever,	65
	One foot in sea and one on shore,
	To one thing constant never:
	Then sigh not so, but let them go,
	And be you blithe and bonny,
	Converting all your sounds of woe	70
	Into Hey nonny, nonny.
	Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,
	Of dumps so dull and heavy;
	The fraud of men was ever so,
	Since summer first was leafy:	75
	Then sigh not so, &c.
DON PEDRO	By my troth, a good song.
BALTHASAR	And an ill singer, my lord.
DON PEDRO	Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.
BENEDICK	An he had been a dog that should have howled thus,	80
	they would have hanged him: and I pray God his bad
	voice bode no mischief. I had as lief have heard the
	night-raven, come what plague could have come after
	it.
DON PEDRO	Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee,	85
	get us some excellent music; for to-morrow night we
	would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber-window.
BALTHASAR	The best I can, my lord.
DON PEDRO	Do so: farewell.
	Exit BALTHASAR
	Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me of	90
	to-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love with
	Signior Benedick?
CLAUDIO	O, ay: stalk on. stalk on; the fowl sits. I did
	never think that lady would have loved any man.
LEONATO	No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she	95
	should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in
	all outward behaviors seemed ever to abhor.
BENEDICK	Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?
LEONATO	By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think
	of it but that she loves him with an enraged	100
	affection: it is past the infinite of thought.
DON PEDRO	May be she doth but counterfeit.
CLAUDIO	Faith, like enough.
LEONATO	O God, counterfeit! There was never counterfeit of
	passion came so near the life of passion as she	105
	discovers it.
DON PEDRO	Why, what effects of passion shows she?
CLAUDIO	Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.
LEONATO	What effects, my lord? She will sit you, you heard
	my daughter tell you how.	110
CLAUDIO	She did, indeed.
DON PEDRO	How, how, pray you? You amaze me: I would have I
	thought her spirit had been invincible against all
	assaults of affection.
LEONATO	I would have sworn it had, my lord; especially	115
	against Benedick.
BENEDICK	I should think this a gull, but that the
	white-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot,
	sure, hide himself in such reverence.
CLAUDIO	He hath ta'en the infection: hold it up.	120
DON PEDRO	Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?
LEONATO	No; and swears she never will: that's her torment.
CLAUDIO	'Tis true, indeed; so your daughter says: 'Shall
	I,' says she, 'that have so oft encountered him
	with scorn, write to him that I love him?'	125
LEONATO	This says she now when she is beginning to write to
	him; for she'll be up twenty times a night, and
	there will she sit in her smock till she have writ a
	sheet of paper: my daughter tells us all.
CLAUDIO	Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember a	130
	pretty jest your daughter told us of.
LEONATO	O, when she had writ it and was reading it over, she
	found Benedick and Beatrice between the sheet?
CLAUDIO	That.
LEONATO	O, she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence;	135
	railed at herself, that she should be so immodest
	to write to one that she knew would flout her; 'I
	measure him,' says she, 'by my own spirit; for I
	should flout him, if he writ to me; yea, though I
	love him, I should.'	140
CLAUDIO	Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,
	beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; 'O
	sweet Benedick! God give me patience!'
LEONATO	She doth indeed; my daughter says so: and the
	ecstasy hath so much overborne her that my daughter	145
	is sometime afeared she will do a desperate outrage
	to herself: it is very true.
DON PEDRO	It were good that Benedick knew of it by some
	other, if she will not discover it.
CLAUDIO	To what end? He would make but a sport of it and	150
	torment the poor lady worse.
DON PEDRO	An he should, it were an alms to hang him. She's an
	excellent sweet lady; and, out of all suspicion,
	she is virtuous.
CLAUDIO	And she is exceeding wise.	155
DON PEDRO	In every thing but in loving Benedick.
LEONATO	O, my lord, wisdom and blood combating in so tender
	a body, we have ten proofs to one that blood hath
	the victory. I am sorry for her, as I have just
	cause, being her uncle and her guardian.	160
DON PEDRO	I would she had bestowed this dotage on me: I would
	have daffed all other respects and made her half
	myself. I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hear
	what a' will say.
LEONATO	Were it good, think you?	165
CLAUDIO	Hero thinks surely she will die; for she says she
	will die, if he love her not, and she will die, ere
	she make her love known, and she will die, if he woo
	her, rather than she will bate one breath of her
	accustomed crossness.	170
DON PEDRO	She doth well: if she should make tender of her
	love, 'tis very possible he'll scorn it; for the
	man, as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.
CLAUDIO	He is a very proper man.
DON PEDRO	He hath indeed a good outward happiness.	175
CLAUDIO	Before God! and, in my mind, very wise.
DON PEDRO	He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.
CLAUDIO	And I take him to be valiant.
DON PEDRO	As Hector, I assure you: and in the managing of
	quarrels you may say he is wise; for either he	180
	avoids them with great discretion, or undertakes
	them with a most Christian-like fear.
LEONATO	If he do fear God, a' must necessarily keep peace:
	if he break the peace, he ought to enter into a
	quarrel with fear and trembling.	185
DON PEDRO	And so will he do; for the man doth fear God,
	howsoever it seems not in him by some large jests
	he will make. Well I am sorry for your niece. Shall
	we go seek Benedick, and tell him of her love?
CLAUDIO	Never tell him, my lord: let her wear it out with	190
	good counsel.
LEONATO	Nay, that's impossible: she may wear her heart out first.
DON PEDRO	Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter:
	let it cool the while. I love Benedick well; and I
	could wish he would modestly examine himself, to see	195
	how much he is unworthy so good a lady.
LEONATO	My lord, will you walk? dinner is ready.
CLAUDIO	If he do not dote on her upon this, I will never
	trust my expectation.
DON PEDRO	Let there be the same net spread for her; and that	200
	must your daughter and her gentlewomen carry. The
	sport will be, when they hold one an opinion of
	another's dotage, and no such matter: that's the
	scene that I would see, which will be merely a
	dumb-show. Let us send her to call him in to dinner.	205
	Exeunt DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO
BENEDICK	Coming forward
	conference was sadly borne. They have the truth of
	this from Hero. They seem to pity the lady: it
	seems her affections have their full bent. Love me!
	why, it must be requited. I hear how I am censured:
	they say I will bear myself proudly, if I perceive	210
	the love come from her; they say too that she will
	rather die than give any sign of affection. I did
	never think to marry: I must not seem proud: happy
	are they that hear their detractions and can put
	them to mending. They say the lady is fair; 'tis a	215
	truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous; 'tis
	so, I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for loving
	me; by my troth, it is no addition to her wit, nor
	no great argument of her folly, for I will be
	horribly in love with her. I may chance have some	220
	odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me,
	because I have railed so long against marriage: but
	doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat
	in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
	Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of	225
	the brain awe a man from the career of his humour?
	No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would
	die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I
	were married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day!
	she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in	230
	her.
	Enter BEATRICE
BEATRICE	Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.
BENEDICK	Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.
BEATRICE	I took no more pains for those thanks than you take
	pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would	235
	not have come.
BENEDICK	You take pleasure then in the message?
BEATRICE	Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's
	point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach,
	signior: fare you well.	240
	Exit
BENEDICK	Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in
	to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I took
	no more pains for those thanks than you took pains
	to thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any pains
	that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I do	245
	not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not
	love her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.
	Exit